


Sleepless Nights

by MayaReidBarnes1917



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, One Shot, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayaReidBarnes1917/pseuds/MayaReidBarnes1917
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky remembers that day on the highway bridge. There was nothing in his mind but the objective of his mission, the things Hydra had programmed into his head, as he chased after Steve. Steve had pulled his mask off and recognized him, called his name, and Bucky felt a small spark. And that spark ignited into a flame that help him fight against Hydra again. He wouldn't let them win.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless Nights

**Author's Note:**

> This song fic was inspired by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons' "Hazy". I do not own this song, all rights go to its proper owners. This is my first fic on AO3, so constructive criticism is very much appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

_I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed._

_You don't know this now,_

_but there's some things that need to be said._

_And it's all that I can hear,_

_it's more than I can bear._

 

Bucky watched Steve's peaceful form as he laid in their shared bed, chest rising and falling rhythmically with each breath. He studied Steve's face, as if to re-memorize each of the perfect features he already knew so well. Though Steve wasn't the tiny, sickly kid from the past, Bucky still saw him as the boy from his childhood, and felt the familiar wave of protectiveness wash over him. Bucky didn't know how long he'd been awake, but he'd given up on sleep after the third nightmare had woken him a cold sweat. He was perched on a chair next to the bed. His shadow from the bright moon outside was thrown across Steve's sleeping body. Bucky pulled his knees up to his chest and crossed his arms over them, making himself as small as possible.

 

He fingered the gauze bandage that Steve had insisted he put on his forehead after he had gotten a scrape during one of his 'episodes'. They still happened, though less frequently now, after these eight months freed from Hydra's grasp. Something would set him off, trigger a memory, and it would throw him into a frenzy. There would be nothing on Bucky's mind but all of the terrible things he had done. All the people he had murdered. And he hated himself for it. Sometimes he thinks they both would be better off if Bucky were dead. But he knows how much he means to Steve, even if he can't fathom why. He knows how much it would hurt Steve if Bucky were gone, so he holds on. Lives for every time he can make Steve smile and laugh. Even so, sometimes that's not enough to fight away the demons in his head.

 

_What if I fall and hurt myself?_

_Would you know how to fix me?_

 

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut as the memory of falling envelopes him, but all it does is help complete the scene. He sees Steve's face, anguish and pain written on it, lips forming his name, yelling, just before Bucky hit the hard rock and snow on the chasm floor. Pain blurred his vision, though he still tried to scope out where he was. There was a warm wetness beneath him. A strong, sickening scent of blood. Bucky steeled himself and looked to where the pain was the worst. Right where his left arm should've been, there was nothing. Bucky's stomach rolled and he had to fight the urge to either throw up or black out. Suddenly there was a man above him, dragging him, and the dark won.

 

The rest blurs together into terror and pain, but he remembers clutching his new metal hand, disgusted by its existence. He still hated it sometimes. Hated the way it was a reminder of everything Hydra had done and made him do. When he had mentioned that to Steve, He had taken both of Bucky's hands in his own, and told him that he didn't care what had happened in the past. It was gone, long over. All that he cared about was that Bucky was safe and they were together again.

 

_What if I went and lost myself?_

_Would you know where to find me?_

 

Bucky remembers that day on the highway bridge. There was nothing in his mind but the objective of his mission, the things Hydra had programmed into his head, as he chased after Steve. There was still a part of him, however, that knew what was going on. He'd been unable to burst through, forced to watch. He was out of control of his own body as shot round after round of bullets at his friend. But when Steve had pulled his mask off and recognized him, called his name, Bucky felt a small spark. And that spark ignited into a flame that help him fight against Hydra again. They attempted to take it away from him, But he refused to let them. He wouldn't let Hydra win.

 

_If I forgot who I am,_

_Would you please remind me?_

 

Bucky wasn't able to break out of the machine that was the Winter Soldier until the Helicarrier. He screamed inside himself, desperate to stop himself from carrying out his mission. he didn't want to hurt Steve, and it only got worse when Steve wouldn't fight back. Bucky was trapped. But then Steve whispered those few, simple words that held so much. _'I'm with you 'til the end of the line.'_

 

_Oh,_

 

With a gasp, Bucky struggled back to the present. There was a small mutter of a question from the blond beside Bucky, who had woken to the sharp noise from his boyfriend.

 

"Bucky? You okay?" He was still halfway asleep, his eyes barely open, but he reached out a hand to hold Bucky's. The touch comforted and anchored them both.

 

_'Cause without you, things go hazy._


End file.
